People’s Inauguration, Part 2: Love Your Opponent
There are three parts to the Revolutionary Love Compass proposed by Valarie Kaur. We begin with Loving Others: wonder, grieving when others are hurt, and fighting on behalf of justice, “seeing no stranger.” In Loving the Opponent, our role is to tend their wounds. We begin with Rage at injustice, progress to Listening, and wind up with Re-imagining what must be changed. “It is a rhythm: step away to rage, return to listen, and re-imagine the solutions together.”
Day 4 — Rage
Valarie believes we must let opponents inside our circle of care; they are acting out of their woundedness. It is challenging to tend the wounds of people we may think of as our enemies. Be curious about what formed them, what is their wound, and how you might tend their wound. “You have a story I need to hear.” Forgiveness is freedom from hate. White supremacy is an expression of grief over the “loss of a white America.”
First we must tend our own wounds. To heal, we must feel our hurt and our anger, not suppress them and try to go on with life. Rage in safe containers: drum, pound, scream, shake, weep, stomp, dance. “What information does my rage carry? What does it tell me?”
How do we release and/or harness this divine energy, and fight to protect what we love?
Rage is not the opposite of love, it’s the power to protect self and others. Trauma alienates us from our bodies. If we can’t fully fight or flee, stressful emotion stays stuck in the body. Working with a therapist to process her experience when a police officer injured her, Valarie imagined becoming a tiger, roaring and tearing him to shreds; then she could see him as frail, powerless, anxious and wounded; she could see him as human. Rage is a healthy response to trauma. Suppressed rage actually amplifies our perception of pain.
Loving kindness won’t work when we are trying to suppress our rage. The goddess Kali is a fierce protector, whose divine rage helps to re-order the world. “Civility” is often used to silence pain that makes people change. Where is rage alive in my body?
Men learn to let their rage explode as a sign of “strength.” Women learn to suppress it or feel shame about it. There is a better way.
Questions for reflection: What are my safe containers for rage? What does my rage tell me? How can I harness divine rage?
Rev. Jaqui Lewis leads a multiracial congregation at Middle Church, NYC. She advises: “Don’t pretend we’re OK; express rage and grief.” To survive, African Americans suppressed rage for generations. “Anger is holy, we must feel it to become whole and reclaim ancestral wisdom.”
Rabbi Sharon Brous shared ancient wisdom from Judaism:
- Grieve and lament
- Rage against injustice, rage to protect our babies
- Tell the truth
- Rebuild, better than what was lost, based on love, equality, justice and dignity.
No compromise with white supremacy, injustice, malignancies.
Amy Olrick, writer: “Let your pain enter me to make your load lighter.” Envision an America that leaves no one behind, not even the opponent. Toddlers explore, then recover safely in a parent’s lap before setting out again. First, love ourselves, tell the truth to ourselves, forgive ourselves. White supremacy comes from profound pain, which blinds a person to seeing another’s worth.
Maggie Wheeler believes that grief and rage require vulnerability and bravery. Finding a safe place for rage is self-love, prevents resentment, and is needed before we can be present for our opponent. We need community to hold us. We can have an ongoing relationship with grief and rage and still let joy in. Name our rage with precision, be brave with it. Don’t rush to forgiveness or empathy. Just wonder at our own rage and listen to understand it. “There are no monsters, only wounded humans.”
Day 5 — Listen
Whom am I ready to listen to? Listen and seek to understand, NOT persuade or legitimize. Listen for the WOUND, the unmet need; preserve the opponent’s humanity. “Love is labor that begins in wonder.” The goal isn’t to change the opponent. We listen to understand.
Some people don’t believe everyone is a human being worthy of respect. See the suffering inside the hatred. The belief that they are surrounded by sub-humans is a deep wound that must be tended to. Don’t try to do that, if you’re in harm’s way or feel fear. Process your own trauma, grief and rage. Tend your own wound first.
How do we keep listening when it’s hard? Return to Wonder. An “opponent” is a person whose beliefs, ideas, actions oppose your own. The load lightens with practice. Notice tension in your body. Slow the breath, quiet the mind, stop defending, wonder about their wound. They might wonder about you in turn, or not.
“Why am I asked to take on the labor of listening to my opponent?” Because we must leave no one behind. Listen seeking to understand, not change or legitimize. What drives their behavior and beliefs? With wonder, empathy and compassion follow. Only listen when we feel safe.
Van Jones is CEO of Reform Alliance, which seeks to reform the criminal justice system, and founder of Dream Corps. He urges us to use our power to protect folk at the bottom. What can I learn and understand, to decrease the conflict? “I’ve never regretted listening,” even if no resolution emerges. “Listen as well as Dr. King spoke.” Listen to your kids and spouse, breathe and self-regulate, build skills. “Where can I agree?” Catch the other person saying something you align with, and acknowledge points of agreement. Maintain dignity. Don’t become what you’re fighting. We the people can heal and reimagine our world. “What’s the alternative? 10,000 people attacked the Capitol, 30 million think Trump won, 75 million voted for him. We can’t throw away 75 million people! So, we must love them and seek to understand.”
Restorative justice in prisons works, even with murderers. Keep stretching your heart muscle, with friends and lovers, close to home.
Sister Simone Campbell, author of A Nun on the Bus, has been across the country six times, listening in rural America with compassion and grace. Develop “holy curiosity” about what we don’t know, and need to know. Country people report that city folks say they are “dumb and uneducated.” WE are the monsters, to some folks; they feel disrespected and threatened, they see themselves as fighting for their own worth.
Paul Ryan: See the pain behind the opponent’s position. “You have a story, and I need to hear it.” When we see their wounds, they have less power over us. To learn is to be changed. It’s easy to start a fight, harder to end one. Identity politics asks, “Are you like me?” The question underneath is “Do you like me?” Find one thing to like in the opponent, practice radical acceptance, look for common ground, a place to unite for a common vision.
Valarie’s grandfather Papaji was her opponent for years, opposing her wish to marry a non-Sikh because he feared the Sikh faith would be lost. She had to step away to rage and let her mother listen for her. Finally Papaji blessed the marriage.
When we don’t feel safe, we can wonder; that is a form of love, too. Ask yourself: What am I ready for, now?
Find an opponent you’re ready to listen to. Imagine a conversation; ask about their story and listen without defending or explaining. Sustained listening, many times, is a labor of love. When it’s hard, slow your breathing, return to wonder. “You have a story I need to hear. You have a wound I need to know about.”
Day 6 — Reimagine
Listening gets easier with practice. Explore a vision of a Beloved Community: a transformed world where all flourish, not just settling for reform which goes halfway. Instead of police — social workers, mediators. What’s the first step?
Sherilyn Ifill of the Legal Defense Fund, asks: Which institutions must be dismantled? Prisons, policing: these institutions were created to protect the property of the wealthy. Let us create and protect spaces for people of color to imagine. Push for full citizenship; clean water for all, never denied due to poverty.
Deepa Iyer proposes “Social change ecosystem roles:” to build the Beloved Community, we all take turns being a caregiver, weaver of connection, frontline responder, innovator, disruptor, builder, healer, storyteller, visionary, guide. “Love and Soul Force have powered abolitionism, civil rights, environmental justice movements.” See social change as a daily lifestyle choice, not just in a crisis. Envision what we really want. Where to begin? Create a little space to feel safe, connected, free, and seen, to envision together (even within an institution like Yale Law School this is possible, says Valarie). Do your one piece, connected to a larger movement.
At Guantanamo, Valarie realized that the guards are hurt and wounded, they suffer depression, alcoholism, and suicide. The transformation of the whole system will free the guards, too.